Saturday, 31 December 2011

New Years Eve Or The Death Of This Year?

New Years Eve 2011 and i'm sat here pizza in oven and unable to talk following a rough dose of flu that as a parting gift rendered my speechless, literally!

I've wanted so much for this year to draw to a close, it's symbolic I think that the 1st of January really is a clean slate with yet another batch of skeletons, bad experiences and decisions locked safely away in the cupboard.

I got to thinking just what I've learned from this year, what is it I can take forward to make things better. In all honesty I really don't know. It hasn't been a good year for so many different reasons, personal and financial. I would have hoped however that I would be able to see quite clearly the reasons why the wheels had fallen off so many things but quite simply I can't.

Don't get me wrong, I can analyse past events and see what part my actions and reactions played in how events have unfolded but the most important motive for our decisions is emotion and sadly I feel unable to understand my own emotions. Things make us feel good and other things make us feel bad. It's that simple in essence but when we are immersed in situations that involves the feelings of others then very often things become unclear. We are able to base decisions on how we feel at any given moment. That would be rash however and as adults we try not to be rash, after all that's expected of us isn't it?

The conclusion I have come to is this. Regardless of age, experience and wisdom we are all children when it comes to affairs of the heart. Sure I can learn from financial or investment errors. I can ensure that those mistakes aren't repeated and put them in a box knowing that they were my fault, my responsibility. Personal situations however I really can't analyse in the same way, why is that? I think its because there are forces at play that simply cannot be quantified. Lust, love, trust, guilt, pleasure, emotions that we've all felt but rarely understood or even been able to control.

So in summary, I can offer you this. Don't berate yourself for your errors, for things you've made a right mess off. All we can do I suppose is to review for time to time what it is that's important to us, oh and talk about things! That is one important thing that I have learnt this year. I had been used to being unable to talk with past partners, simply and bluntly put I have had violent and unreasonable female partners in the past who would rather throw something at me or damage something valuable of mine rather than discuss any problems that I tried to raise. As a result if things are wrong in a relationship I tend to go quiet. Its been a self preservation tool. What I have learned this year is that not all females are this way and are receptive (well not receptive per se but certainly not violent) to any problems that I want to discuss.

Well my pizza is ready and so there's nothing more to say other than I wish you well for the coming year.


Sunday, 10 July 2011

321 you're back in the room

Its getting on for 18 months since I updated this blog, and if you were to press me for a reason for this barren period I would struggle to give one.

So what has changed? I'm 43 now, even more cynical and after another failed relationship I'm back where I started once again albeit with a heavier heart than last time.

So I'm guessing I'm not alone in this, a brief scan through my blogroll indicates that this emotional storm visits many of us on a regular basis. Why the fuck do we continue to build our defences so weak after the storm passes. We live on relationship fault lines as humans, we know that our happiness will one day without much warning disappear into a crevice in the ground and yet we continue to live in the faux security that a relationship seems to offer.

Great sex turns to fond affection and if you're lucky that remains, what usually occurs however is familiarity, then complacency and finally the final stale crumbs of the relationship smell of contempt. This is if the relationship lasts that long! Why is this? Why can two people not get it on long term? Is it our expectations? Two people need to constantly know that they have their partners approval, attention, affection. When these start to slip, which they inevitably will it seems, then negative feelings prevail, jealousy, rejection, confusion. The more you seem to be matched to that person the greater the risk of failure simply because of the high demands we place on each other. We each have different experiences to draw on from previous relationships, that in turn means we each expect something different from a new relationship, we each have different insecurities, expectations and ideas on how a partner should act or conduct themselves. We have different ideas about what represents commitment.  If our partner behaves differently to what we expect then we hurt, we question their actions and it destroys what we have.

So why then do we bother? Why risk giving it all to somebody knowing that there will be hurt down the line? I can't answer that, Maybe it's the endorphin rush that once experienced we will chase forever. Do we want life companions or do we just want to chase and be chased? I don't know. I suppose the answer is in the Hank Moody quote "Better to experience a morning of awkwardness than a night alone" or is it?

One night stands seem sleazy these days, it's not where I want to be. That said I don't want to spend my days alone, so what is the answer? Do we just need friends? Friends of the opposite sex maybe?

As religion plays a lesser part these days in the Western world, so too does marriage and all it stands for. Are we still trying to hum the tune that was forced upon us in childhood, Marriage, mortgage, kids? Is this a natural state I wonder, can man and woman live together happily for a lifetime? Should we just be friends, fuck buddies, holiday companions, should we lower our expectations maybe then we could all get along? We don't have these unrealistic expectations of our same sex friends so why are we each so demanding of our lovers?

The game goes on, day after day, even as I write this its safe to assume that thousands of people the world over are sitting or lying somewhere nursing that break up pain, Reliving the moments of intimacy, the look into each others eyes during lovemaking, the small moments of happiness and well being that were felt over the duration of the relationship and yet when the tears dry and the hurt subsides they will catch a glance from a stranger and get back on the merry go round once more.

It's fucked up, I can't say more than that, I can't even begin to analyse it and offer a summary other than it's fucked up.