New Years Eve 2011 and i'm sat here pizza in oven and unable to talk following a rough dose of flu that as a parting gift rendered my speechless, literally!
I've wanted so much for this year to draw to a close, it's symbolic I think that the 1st of January really is a clean slate with yet another batch of skeletons, bad experiences and decisions locked safely away in the cupboard.
I got to thinking just what I've learned from this year, what is it I can take forward to make things better. In all honesty I really don't know. It hasn't been a good year for so many different reasons, personal and financial. I would have hoped however that I would be able to see quite clearly the reasons why the wheels had fallen off so many things but quite simply I can't.
Don't get me wrong, I can analyse past events and see what part my actions and reactions played in how events have unfolded but the most important motive for our decisions is emotion and sadly I feel unable to understand my own emotions. Things make us feel good and other things make us feel bad. It's that simple in essence but when we are immersed in situations that involves the feelings of others then very often things become unclear. We are able to base decisions on how we feel at any given moment. That would be rash however and as adults we try not to be rash, after all that's expected of us isn't it?
The conclusion I have come to is this. Regardless of age, experience and wisdom we are all children when it comes to affairs of the heart. Sure I can learn from financial or investment errors. I can ensure that those mistakes aren't repeated and put them in a box knowing that they were my fault, my responsibility. Personal situations however I really can't analyse in the same way, why is that? I think its because there are forces at play that simply cannot be quantified. Lust, love, trust, guilt, pleasure, emotions that we've all felt but rarely understood or even been able to control.
So in summary, I can offer you this. Don't berate yourself for your errors, for things you've made a right mess off. All we can do I suppose is to review for time to time what it is that's important to us, oh and talk about things! That is one important thing that I have learnt this year. I had been used to being unable to talk with past partners, simply and bluntly put I have had violent and unreasonable female partners in the past who would rather throw something at me or damage something valuable of mine rather than discuss any problems that I tried to raise. As a result if things are wrong in a relationship I tend to go quiet. Its been a self preservation tool. What I have learned this year is that not all females are this way and are receptive (well not receptive per se but certainly not violent) to any problems that I want to discuss.
Well my pizza is ready and so there's nothing more to say other than I wish you well for the coming year.