Its getting on for 18 months since I updated this blog, and if you were to press me for a reason for this barren period I would struggle to give one.
So what has changed? I'm 43 now, even more cynical and after another failed relationship I'm back where I started once again albeit with a heavier heart than last time.
So I'm guessing I'm not alone in this, a brief scan through my blogroll indicates that this emotional storm visits many of us on a regular basis. Why the fuck do we continue to build our defences so weak after the storm passes. We live on relationship fault lines as humans, we know that our happiness will one day without much warning disappear into a crevice in the ground and yet we continue to live in the faux security that a relationship seems to offer.
Great sex turns to fond affection and if you're lucky that remains, what usually occurs however is familiarity, then complacency and finally the final stale crumbs of the relationship smell of contempt. This is if the relationship lasts that long! Why is this? Why can two people not get it on long term? Is it our expectations? Two people need to constantly know that they have their partners approval, attention, affection. When these start to slip, which they inevitably will it seems, then negative feelings prevail, jealousy, rejection, confusion. The more you seem to be matched to that person the greater the risk of failure simply because of the high demands we place on each other. We each have different experiences to draw on from previous relationships, that in turn means we each expect something different from a new relationship, we each have different insecurities, expectations and ideas on how a partner should act or conduct themselves. We have different ideas about what represents commitment. If our partner behaves differently to what we expect then we hurt, we question their actions and it destroys what we have.
So why then do we bother? Why risk giving it all to somebody knowing that there will be hurt down the line? I can't answer that, Maybe it's the endorphin rush that once experienced we will chase forever. Do we want life companions or do we just want to chase and be chased? I don't know. I suppose the answer is in the Hank Moody quote "Better to experience a morning of awkwardness than a night alone" or is it?
One night stands seem sleazy these days, it's not where I want to be. That said I don't want to spend my days alone, so what is the answer? Do we just need friends? Friends of the opposite sex maybe?
As religion plays a lesser part these days in the Western world, so too does marriage and all it stands for. Are we still trying to hum the tune that was forced upon us in childhood, Marriage, mortgage, kids? Is this a natural state I wonder, can man and woman live together happily for a lifetime? Should we just be friends, fuck buddies, holiday companions, should we lower our expectations maybe then we could all get along? We don't have these unrealistic expectations of our same sex friends so why are we each so demanding of our lovers?
The game goes on, day after day, even as I write this its safe to assume that thousands of people the world over are sitting or lying somewhere nursing that break up pain, Reliving the moments of intimacy, the look into each others eyes during lovemaking, the small moments of happiness and well being that were felt over the duration of the relationship and yet when the tears dry and the hurt subsides they will catch a glance from a stranger and get back on the merry go round once more.
It's fucked up, I can't say more than that, I can't even begin to analyse it and offer a summary other than it's fucked up.